It’s a sad story. With a light at the end, right?
The death of loved one’s changes people. But the death of unknown victims of natural disasters or terrorist attacks also has such power.
My friend’s story reminded me of a certain Buddhist story.
A monk showed other monks a ceramic cup. He asked them to look at the crack on it. They couldn’t see it. Then the monk explained that this ceramic cup does not have this crack now, but one day it will have one and this will probably cause the cup to fall apart over time. However, if the cup was made of plastic, no matter how you treated it, its existence would be much longer. The monk further explained that each of us has within us the crack of future death. This is our destiny. If we were like a plastic cup, we could live forever without bodily discomfort. However, our bodies are fragile, and their end is coming, which we cannot predict in time.
Understanding the fragility of life can give us the awareness of not understanding happiness and joy as something guaranteed permanently, the awareness of treating others and ourselves with kindness and love.
Every moment of life is precious.
I was wondering whether to share something more today… and I decided yes. This is an important topic, and many people don’t know what to say or how to behave around death.
The purpose of expressing condolences is to express support and understanding for a person who is experiencing a loss. We do it out of good heart. However, not always people who have lost someone are ready to face the words or gestures of others.
They often feel conflicting emotions. For example, anger, disbelief, guilt, anger (at yourself, the world and even the one who died). There’s nothing wrong with it. There are no rules here as to what feelings should and should not appear.
Therefore, if you want to express your condolences, do it discreetly and do not expect any response.
Want to help? It depends on what kind of help the grieving person is willing to accept.
I will give you some examples (but please remember what I mentioned a moment ago):
Be available to the grieving person. When you promise “I will call you” – actually do it and be prepared that the person will not answer or will not want to talk.
Suggest a walk. For example, you can let them know “At… I will be passing by your house. I invite you to join me. We can just go for a walk, without talking… or talking, if you choose.”
You can support them in practical activities – e.g. shopping, doing laundry, taking care of bills, taking children to school.
If a grieving person decides to talk to you, create a space without judgment or any advice. Let them express all their emotions and thoughts. If you know it will help, encourage conversations about the person who died.
Show acceptance and understanding of their feelings.
Be honest and open.
Let the phrase “Time heals wounds” stay in your head as long as possible, try not to say it out loud. Instead, assure them that “We will always be able to talk about him/her and reminisce.”
I’m here to help you.
Beata
